Sterilize
by Victoria LeRoux
Summary: After Advent Children, Cloud takes seven pictures to remind himself of what was lost.


**Sterilize**

_Please review, if only for a get well present._

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><p>Cloud isn't sure when he first finds the dusty camera in the back of the bar if he should begin to use it.<p>

It's such a simple object, but one he wishes he could have found earlier. So many heartbeats in time could have been saved, so many smile captures, but he doesn't pick it up right away because the memory of Geostigma is still too fresh on his mind. He isn't sure if he should save mementos when he's so ready to run away.

The wounds are still too fresh, too near.

It takes a while to find the proper film, but it is only made longer by the fact that he refuses to admit he's looking. Even after he finds it, the camera sits at the back of the bar and remains untouched.

When Tifa comes across it, she looks at him, reading him easily. He's not sure how she knows, but someone she _does_ and she does not touch the camera, and it sits.

Soon however, the urge to pick it up grows stronger and he finds that it snuggles safely in the back of Fenrir, a reminder that he never touches.

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><p>When Fenrir crashes and he nearly loses the camera, it is only then that he begins to use it.<p>

No one notices it at first, because the pictures he takes aren't ones he wants others to see.

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><p>The first picture was taken at an impulse, and he's never quite sure why he took it. It's a lonely looking picture, a half-demolished Fenrir lying in the dust, a great dent on its side. The bike is crippled, like a lame wolf. It is night in the picture, the oppressive darkness swallowing the dark sheen of the bike.<p>

But even as it lies there, seemingly defeated, a single white flower sits on it and the faint strands of dawn begin to show.

Cloud sympathies with the bike. He knows how it feels to crash and just need to lie there for a time, struggling to breathe as you fight in the darkness, alone.

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><p>The next picture is admittedly more planned, but it is far more simple.<p>

A spring of water amid a world of flowers, a ruined church enclosing it protectedly. In the spring, a single crushed blossom sinks.

He finds the quiet solitude of the picture overwhelming, but he cannot help but love the beauty of its simplicity.

He cannot help but hate the memory of his failures and weaknesses.

He develops the picture and keeps it in his pocket. It sits there, a constant, unforgettable reminder until it becomes a comfort to him.

He does not show the picture to anyone, because Cloud does not want his pain to be seen.

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><p>The third picture he almost regrets taking.<p>

He's been thinking of Zack, because thinking of Aerith always brings up Zack's memories.

He doesn't want his memories of Zack to be enclosed in a picture, because pictures can be seen by others.

It takes him a while to give into himself, but when he does, he cannot bring himself to regret it.

The picture is the first one he allows Tifa to see.

It shows a tarnished mirror in the midst of Midgar, stained by mud, and dust, and cracked by misuse. The mirror reflects the stormy sky, and it paints a melancholy world.

But that is not all he shows in the picture. In the corner, he sees two children chasing each other as they laugh. He thinks he sees Tseng in the ruined mirror, helping a child search for a toy.

The picture shows misery, and pain, but it also shows hope and honor.

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><p>He almost quits after his salute to Zack, but he does not feel as if he is done.<p>

It is not until he sees Gongaga that he realizes why.

The town is not much these days, but he snaps a quick picture anyway. It is not until later that he will look back on the picture and think upon Zack's memories.

To him, the town was still reeling, a twisted reminder of ShinRa's greed. When he had walked through the towns, he had seen the burned trees and destroyed reactor.

His photograph does not show what was lost. It shows who had been.

It shows a white bird sitting above porch steps. The white bird perches on the railing, and below it is a single fallen, white apple.

Cloud still does not know what those symbols meant to Zack, but he keeps the photograph anyway.

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><p>The penultimate picture he takes was of the beginning.<p>

It takes hours for him to enter reactor, because he still remembers the night. He sits on the cold steps all night, trying to shudder away old nightmares.

At last he enters, and he cannot bring himself to regret it.

His picture is of an old, rusted gun that sits at the bottom of the chasm. He is not sure who took the picture- Cloud or Zack- but he knows that is a testament to the both of them.

The rusted gun sits, its barrel only half there from where it had been dropped from his hand. He is not surprised no one had retrieved it, for it was a standard ShinRa issue weapon. It means little to anyone but him.

Only to him does it show pride, honor, and dreams that had been wasted.

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><p>He takes the last two pictures of Tifa and gives them to her, where she places them side by side.<p>

The first one shows them all, AVALANCHE, with Marlene and Denzel sheltered in the center. Even Vincent is there, reluctantly dragged into the fray. Cloud sees himself standing there, his arm protectively around Denzel and Marlene, and later he cannot help but smile.

The picture shows what they have lost- Vincent and Barret their arms, Marlene her family, Denzel his entire world. Nanaki stands alone, the last of his kind. Yuffie crouches at the front, grinning recklessly, but he knows she remembered the war that took her pride. Cid is also in the picture, arm raised in victory, the ever-present goggles on his face, but he sees the wistful look in the man's eyes. He knew Cid was thinking of Shera.

The other picture is just the four of them. Shy Denzel in the front, Marlene at his side. Tifa pushes them gently forward, but Cloud stands slightly away from them. He knows what he was thinking that day. He does not deserve their happiness.

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><p>After the last two pictures, he puts the camera away and does not look at it. He had taken all he wanted with it, and he is not sure that he wants to touch the pain again.<p>

But he feels complete in a way, clean of the guilt that had been his ever constant companion.

He keeps every last one of the pictures, and does not look at them.

He knows what they look like, he does not need to see them.

But he likes the fact that they're there.


End file.
